Resist the Wait on your Fertility Journey
If “waiting” was an Olympic sport those of you struggling to conceive would come close to winning gold.
There is a huge amount of courage, vulnerability, determination, and resilience that comes with infertility and IVF struggles. I’d say it’s the same level of grit an elite athlete needs to compete. With the struggle to conceive comes the insurmountable wait. At the Together We Wait (fertility support) meet-ups one of the key themes is all the “waiting” both in respect to the actual IVF process and the massive wait to a child and becoming a parent.
I get it!
After several non-viable IVF transfers/cycles over many years of trying to conceive.
I’ve sat at the coalface of all the waiting.
There’s the waiting for the next test, waiting for the results, sat waiting in the many waiting rooms, waiting for the doctor or nurse to call every second day, waiting for the pregnancy test results and so on. This waiting is just surface level waiting.
But still, it’s waiting.
However, the waiting that interests me the most is the waiting that leads to resentment. The resentment that violates your body, mind, and spirit.
This is the wait to live this beautiful life in order to eventually possibly give life to another being. Doesn’t this sound ironic and quite frankly insane? This waiting could be waiting to leave that job you hate, cause you might fall pregnant and need that maternity leave. There is the waiting to take that holiday or the waiting for the courage to have the difficult conversations and to air your feelings. There’s waiting to form connections with your girlfriends that have children because when you also have a child, you’ll be on the same page. There’s the waiting to be openhearted and vulnerable with others about your quest to conceive. Gosh even writing this now is bringing up so many feelings of deep pain and shame from my past.
You see I've been married to the life of waiting. It was ultimately a life of suffering and resentment.
When it comes to the quest to conceive the waiting game is unique in the way it disguises all other waiting to be mandatory.
I know this is a controversial view. But, I’m choosing not to resist speaking my truth and encourage you to do the same. This message comes from a place of love and care. It comes from a place of wanting you to live true to yourself and live happily through your quest to conceive.
So here is what I’ve found.
Resistance due to unnecessary waiting creates suffering. We are not here on this earth to suffer.
The overall endeavour of seeking a child is out of your control. Unless you’re God, if you are I’d love to meet you. But, there is danger in thinking that you have no power or choice in any of the waiting.
Recently I’ve rained on my personal “waiting” parade. For years I’ve waited and failed miserably at living wholeheartedly and authentically.
But this year I have chosen bravery over resistance.
I’ve not perfected this, but I have instead made wholehearted decisions about every single thing that has petrified me to the very core and waiting has never been an option.
In February, I renewed my vows with my soul mate of 13 years in the hope that this would reignite the spark that had sadly dimmed in our relationship. It didn’t, and we separated three months later. This involved openhearted and vulnerable conversations that led to the most life-changing event of my life. We were unhappy and our time together had come to an end. Although it is deeply painful, it is neither good nor bad, it simply just is.
Before separating from my husband, the resistance of having those tough, bare it all conversations created so much suffering for both us. I became physically sick and very depressed.
I suffered because I was resisting the all knowing and all trusting part of myself.
I’m sharing my lesson with you because I want to demonstrate that waiting and resisting manifests resentment and ultimately poor health and wellbeing. You also need to know that choosing not to wait isn’t the easier path. No, it’s uncomfortable, you will get hurt, you will be broken at times, and you will rumble with grief on a regular and intense basis. But, you won’t feel so heavy, burdensome, pitiful, resentful, fearful, jealous and shameful. I don’t know about you, but I take the rumble, the resisting the wait, and rising any day.
So trust that you will be lighter, but you will be bare.
I promise you that you will always grow from resisting the wait.
There are things in this life like having a child that we have no control or choice, but darling, please don’t wait for everything. Don’t wait to live. Have that holiday, change that job, have those tough conversations, form those connections and tap back into your power wherever and as often as you can.
From now on if you choose hope over fear and courage over resistance, there can only be growth.
Remember that resistance is a choice, and we are not here to suffer. The only thing that you should resist is the wait.
Love always & free of resistance,
Guest post by Krista Le Claire, Founder of Fertility Support Group, Together We Wait
Together We Wait
Positive. Supportive. Uplifting. Caring.
A network of inspiring people coming together to empower and uplift one another during infertility and IVF.
Is to create a positive and supportive network drawn together by infertility, but not defined by it. We aim to delete the stigma associated with infertility so that you feel empowered to reach out to others for inspiration and support. Our network will ensure no one has to go this alone. It is a safe and confidential environment for all. It is a place for us to share in our sorrow, to lift each other up finding solace and support in this collective and inclusive network.
Support – Networks – Companionship
The Together We Wait support networks are for individuals and couples experiencing infertility. These networks focus on empowerment and information sharing. Our meetups involve individuals and couples coming together on common ground to support, care, share, and guide one another during the heartbreak of infertility. Friendship and companionship from our meetups provide lifelong connections and invaluable advice.